Maureen Dowd, Pres.

You are invited to join the Horn in this fantasy

Imagine if OpEd Maureen Dowd were President and the incandescently omniscient NY Times Editorial Staff was her Cabinet. Include Frank Rich, Bob Herbert and Paul Krugman as her plenipotentiary ministers.

Within days of her inauguration, all of our glaciers will have stopped thawing and flowing into the sea. The ice caps at both poles would be totally restored and our planet, with Kyoto as its capital, will have ceased to heat up. Hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes and tsunamis would be relics of the remote past and a rebuilt New Orleans would be impregnably secure behind unbreachable levees.

At her direction, after mummifying George Bush, the entire Republican Party would be euthanased, embalmed and deeply interred under the Pyramids. With Bob Herbert's and Paul Krugman's inspired help, the poor will exchange places with the rich and every corporation would be a philanthropic institution run by poor, uneducated, untrained and uncorruptible executives.

She would encourage Islam to restore the Garden of Eden and open it to tourism. She would then persuade Osama and Zarqawi to sell dates and figs on Times Square and she would write a letter of recommendation for Saddam Hussein to become a Trappist monk. Under Frank Rich's able direction, our allies and adversaries would become rapturously infatuated with our new found purity and Dowd styled, Democratic leadership.

But tragically, there is a sad side to this brief excursion into nirvana. The New York Times could never survive in such an immaculate environment.

P.S. If there is a reader among you who has Maureen Dowd’s ear, please tell her I wrote this entire post without once referring to her as a "blithering idiot." This was the term she so ungraciously used in her OpEd Column today, to characterize a major Federal official.

P.P.S. But let's not be hard on poor Maureen. My intuition tells me that she keeps praying to God to reveal to her what unforgiveable sin she has committed, that He condemns her to live in a world overpopulated with nit-wits.