Genesis Re-revisited

Because most of my readers may have missed this posting (originally published on 8/30/2005) in view of what currently transpireth worldwide, I felt a particular urge to reprint it today. Had God been routinely required to submit any of his contemplated proposals to a Holy Operations Committee, His human genesis plan would almost certainly have been given “cross glanced” short shrift.

A Truly Fateful Day

I read the bible with somewhat looser scrutiny than most people and I tend to generate weird fantasies and interpretations. Had I been asked [perish the thought] to write the story about Eve sprouting from one of Adam’s ribs, this would have been my version. It envisions an imaginary encounter between God and the Archangel Gabriel, immediately following the creation of Eve:

When God finished extracting Eve from one of Adam’s ribs, he felt really bushed. He sat under a nearby shade tree with Archangel Gabriel and together they uncapped a cool bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Phew . . . What do you think, Gabe?" God asked, after taking a long and godly swallow.
After sipping deeply from the same bottle, Archangel Gabriel responded, "Great job, old man. But you know what? I think you’ve got this whole human creation thing bass-ackwards."
"What do you mean," God angrily retorted?
"No disrespect intended, Lord. I simply mean you should have created Eve first, not Adam."
"Why so" God asked?
Gabriel hastened to explain. "It would make more sense if the woman, who you have already fully equipped with all the organs of reproduction would be central in this birthing process. Think of it, your Supreme Holiness, most men won't be like Adam. They are not going to be so gung-ho to have their ribs cracked, just to reproduce children."
"Hmm! Go on," said God

"Look," Gabriel replied, "Had you created Eve first, you could have instilled your divine spirits into her and pretty soon baby Adam would have slid out nice and easy from her womb and not herky-jerky, crunchy-crushy from one of her ribs. Isn’t the womb thing what we plan to do with the Virgin Mary when her time comes to deliver Jesus?"
"By George! By the way Gabe, who the hell is George? Never mind! You've nailed it, Gabe. The man is only an accessory. In fact, except for the few sperm he squirts on the egg, after that he’s no longer necessary. Yeah, you’re right! We should make the woman the central figure, the prime mover. Why didn’t I think of that?"
"Reverend Paterfamilias, you have more important things on your mind. The universe depends on you. It’s your patrimony, as Latin speaking people will soon be saying."
"Thanks, Gabe. You’re a good consigliere, as Italian speaking people will soon be saying. Now that we know better, let's call this motherhood and marriage thing, Holy Matrimony!
"By all that’s holy and true, you are now making the omelette without cracking the shells! You're really cooking now, your omniscience!"
God continued, "And while the women are birthing, nursing and really caring for their children, we won't have their men interfering. We'll make them create statues, build bridges, play sports, fight wars, distill liquor and whatever else, to keep them from brooding about being only accessories to human genesis!"
"Most divinely declaimed!" exclaimed Archangel Gabriel and with the bottle at his lips, he drained the remainder of the Tennessee Sour Mash.

If all of the above sounds a bit irreverent, maybe that's because it is. But think of it for a minute, the Adam and Eve part of the bible must surely have been composed by a man. No fully gendered woman would ever have written Genesis the way it now reads. May I place an Amen to that (?)

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